


and you've never even felt this way before

by eunwol



Category: Underworld Capital Incident (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Drabble Collection, Falling Out of Love, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Gen, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Pining, Unrequited Love, some other stuff im too lazy to add right now, the usual kind of stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2018-08-31 03:48:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8562691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eunwol/pseuds/eunwol
Summary: you do it because you love him[gokuto drabble collection]





	1. tender and merciful

**Author's Note:**

> yo this stuff isn't beta'd or anything and its probably some of my rawest works and all  
> either way have fun these come from my writing folder+my drabble twitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is actually the original version of that other story that i wrote ("we've been good, but we can't last"), which is why some of it sounds similar. i totally scrapped this plot and finished it up as a drabble instead. oh well.
> 
> its still tagami/hirahara btw

It is a well-known fact that Hirahara is affectionate. He grins with a bajillion razor sharp teeth and wears his heart on his sleeve proudly, brandishing it like a shield.

And with the way they’d always hang around each other it’d be obvious. It’s always been like that. Tagami and Hirahara; Hirahara and Tagami. One cannot thrive without the other.

Maybe, if he’d have to guess, Hirahara’s presence is like warmest of June days: _the overbearing heat, embracing everything in a comfortable warmth, and the noise, bugs trilling all at once, their voices not unwelcome in the quiet nights._

 

* * *

 

Tagami wakes to the sound of cicadas buzzing.

This isn’t surprising. It is summer after all. There's a sticky feeling that envelops the entire manor in a layer of humidity. It’s not a bad feeling, but a little air conditioning never killed anybody.

Really, Tagami wakes to the sound of Hirahara’s shouting outside his doorway.

This, in its own way, also isn't surprising. He's a constant, always there, always waiting for him. Hirahara is almost like a dog, his loyalty is unquestionable- - if not to the point of being annoying. But still, that ridiculous energetic devoted idiot is his friend, even if he'd never admit it to anyone else.

 _(he won't admit this to anyone else either—hardly even himself—but maybe that same ridiculous energetic devoted idiot was his_ best _friend.)_

He sits up from his bed and pulls on his uniform, slipping on his cap at the end. Tagami stands and reaches into his pocket to see how much candy is left; enough, but he’ll have to buy more soon. Hirahara will no doubt be wanting some later, though god knows how much he really needs it.

When he opens his door Hirahara is still there, but he's talking excitedly to Kirishima about something involving his cow and a chicken farm. Kirishima looks stoic, if not slightly bored, but he's paying attention, at least. When Hirahara notices his _favooooriiite_ escort is finally awake he turns to him instead.

“Tagami!! Good morning!!” He shouts, and it's really quite harsh to Tagami’s ears first thing in the morning--he's already starting to get a little irritated from all the hustle around his as the rest of the escorts start preparing for breakfast and the rest of their day-- but the sound isn't unpleasant to hear.

“Ah, good morning…”

Hirahara isn't affected by Tagami’s usual emotionless response. Instead his grin gets wider, if that could even be possible. It's… actually rather amazing to see someone this happy to see him. The two escorts continue down the hall to the dining room, the only thing increasing their slow pace being Hirahara’s dragging.

“Tagami, Tagami, d’ya have any more candy!? The hard ramune flavored one?”

There are a few left. It’d be a shame to not reward his favorite escort, no matter how early it is or the fact that they're literally about to eat. Tagami hands Hirahara a small candy wrapped in blue foil and his eyes just about light up like the sun.

“Thank you!!!!” The energetic escort all but screams, and pops the sweet into his mouth.

They keep walking, and if they start getting slower, if Hirahara is still holding onto his hand, well, he isn’t going to complain.

 

Tagami smiles when he thinks Hirahara isn't looking.


	2. the last few loves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you could drown in those eyes, he'd said.
> 
> and so he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just some good old kirishima/saeki rolling in.  
> these two are hard to write.

Several weeks into autumn, bright red leaves flicker across the ground. This is where it happens first, on a small bench barely big enough for the two of them in the quiet afternoon with the trees like fire, enjoying a small respite after a mission gone well. The comfortable silence sits there, interrupted only by the small sounds of the wind rustling branches and birds flitting back and forth.

“You could drown in those eyes,” Saeki says, the soothing breeze feeling like a lullaby as the words are coaxed from him. He only realizes that he’d said it out loud from the way Kirishima looks at him, and, well, he’s still right; the blue of his eyes are a deep deep color, and staring into them is like staring at the ocean from a cliff. His heart almost stutters for a second.

Flustered, Saeki forces out a small apology, and Kirishima seems to accept it, so it’s fine, really. The minutes stretch on into hours and they continue to sit outside in the mildly chilly air on the bench facing the endless mountains dotted with warm colors. There’s no words to be said about the beauty here, really, so they make do with their usual small talk.

 _But still,_ he thinks, and tries to imagine a world where a Kirishima with eyes like the ocean doesn’t exist. Saeki finds that it’s impossible anyways.

 _You could drown in those eyes,_ he’d said.

Those eyes, his hands; what would it be like to hold them? He’s trying to remember the fleeting heat that skirted across his fingertips, how it traveled through his nerves like electricity. At that time, Kirishima's hands felt warm, felt good against his skin—

It would be nice, Saeki thinks, if he could hold that hand every day.

…

The hush echoes over the land still.

 

* * *

 

Later, much _much_ later, they sit in silence once more. The seasons have long since changed, red leaves giving way to cold snow, until finally, just the tiniest buds start to poke out from the frosty branches. When the wind blows, there’s a temperate afterthought in the breeze; a quiet greeting from spring.

The new season brings new hope, and confidence as well curls forth in the pit of his stomach. His heart is beating quick, the steady rhythm almost feeling audible. They’re sitting together once again, on a blanket in the grass, the sky dotted with small white clouds.

Saeki is the one who speaks first.

"You could drown in those eyes," he says once again, leaning into Kirishima just in the slightest and somehow remembering about the sea.

"So I've been told," Kirishima says back with the slightest hint of a smile, and Saeki smiles back.


	3. huge and dark, oh, our hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who do you love? 
> 
> sometimes you get so close to someone you end up on the other side of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> implied nsfw
> 
> tagami/saeki: friends with benefits and unrequited love. human au.
> 
> summary taken from richard siken. love that guy.

Tagami gets the text from Saeki after he’s already left for his home, the glow of the phone bright under the late twilight, black clouding over the sky like ink. It’s simple, nondescript, just a small  _ at the park _ that’s not very standoffish on its own. The air feels sharp and Tagami can see his breath under the pale streetlamps as he nears their meeting spot.

Saeki sees him first.

_ Tagami, _ he says, his voice kind of tight in a way they both understand. 

Saeki knows that Tagami will always come when he’s asked to, and so would he, if Tagami ever asked as well. They’re in the same boat, in the same kind of pain; they’ve only got each other. Tagami gives a small sound as he steps closer. The sky feels empty, large in a way that puts him off, despite the presence of both of them here in the park.

Saeki says,  _ let’s go to my place _ and  _ have you eaten yet? _ even though they both know that this isn’t what he really wants to say or what will happen. His apartment isn’t very far from this location, the proximity at least closer than Tagami’s own home. He nods, because the chill has his face red, and his fingers feel like frozen against his palms. 

Briefly, Tagami wonders if Hirahara is out right now, under the same frigidness dimly lit by the white moon. 

Probably not. He’s probably with his girlfriend, huddled under a warm blanket, watching TV together. His throat closes up in that same tight way, the feeling of choking just under his skin. Saeki says nothing but he can still see it in the way Tagami draws in closer to himself, looking at the frost covered grass. 

Saeki thinks about blue eyes; a calm voice. Something that could never be replaced. Something that could never be gained.

He grips Tagami's hand in his own and leads him in. His home is warm but even that warmth can’t seem to reach Tagami, whose blood feels like winter going through his veins. In the darkness of the bedroom, despite the messed up bedsheets and the quiet gasps and their flushed faces, his fingers are numb still. The other boy shivers under his touch, but he feels cool as well. Maybe it’s the way his eyes look like ice when bits of beams of light peak through the curtains and reflect against the two.

(he swears there’s a flash of heat that goes through him when he closes his eyes and imagines—— no, no, his pace falters and his heart squeezes, beating in a way that’s not faster, but  _ harder _ in his chest, like a punch under his sternum. he stops himself from thinking and tries to lose himself in the pleasure instead.)

Later, when Tagami wakes up, he sits up in the bed and ignores the missed calls on his phone and his friend lying beside him. He stares through the crack of the shades and watches the night slowly dissipate, the clouds purpling like bruises as the sun slowly begins its ascent. 

He’s still so damn cold.


	4. feeling just a little jealous, instead of just alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> patience.
> 
> your time will come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tagami/saeki
> 
> this ones REALLY short

**monday:**

He's off with Kirishima, as always. They're friends, of course, very good friends. They leave in idle chit chat, smiling quietly.

Though, it's not like Tagami still likes it.

But in the end it _is_  a mission and it's not like him to get all worked up about it. He closes his eyes and a smile thats not his appears in his thought, preserved by his memory.

 _God_ , he already misses him.

 

* * *

 

**tuesday:**

Saeki is training with Tanizaki. They're always sparring, so he shouldn't be too surprised. Later in the day he follows them but he doesn't join, instead choosing to sit against the wall and watch how graceful Saeki is, how quick and nimble his hands are.

He thinks about what it might feel like for those hands glide across his skin, and his face suddenly feels a lot warmer.

He heads back in.

 

* * *

 

**wednesday:**

He's busy handling paperwork today, rushing around the building carrying stacks in his arms back and forth from Rokkaku's office.

Later in the evening, Saitou comes down to drag Saeki off to the music room, and the clear sound of the piano fills the halls. It's calming.

Tagami ends up falling asleep to the tune of it, only realizing when Hirahara comes running and trips over his deadbeat body, waking him up instantly from his quiet doze.

 

* * *

 

**thursday:**

Saeki visits the hospital.

Tagami is almost sure that he's there to visit Matsumoto, seeing how Kirishima was dogging him around once he had seen the boxed lunch sets. Saeki laughs at this, seeing Kirishima starving after Kirika's food as always, and heads out.

He's gone for most of the day so Tagami spends his time sleeping and digging holes with Hirahara until Saeki gets back. When he does, he returns with a trail of chemicals and smells like disinfectant and bleach.

It could be worse.

 

* * *

 

  **friday:**

He's out drinking with Kinoshita, not that he really wants to. At some point he had become the unofficial caretaker to make sure that Kinoshita didn't get uselessly drunk, or else they'd all have to deal with his weird shenanigans.

Somehow, it's not enough to stop him from getting drunk as well, lured in through the other escort's insistence. He's always had a low tolerance for alcohol anyways, so when Tagami hears slurred shouting from the room he just sighs and leaves.

Saeki wakes up with a killer hangover and he notices that someone had left a glass of water on the nightstand, as if they had already known.

 

* * *

 

**saturday:**

Hirahara is restless with his pent up energy, begging for someone to play with him. Normally Tagami would take that job but today he has to leave for a mission.

By the time the deceased one is taken care of he comes back to see Saeki and Hirahara trying to figure out the best way to get Giara down from the limbs of a tree.

He decides that, _no,_ he really doesn't want to know what happened while he was gone.

 

* * *

 

**sunday:**

Finally, with all their work done, they can finally have some time to themselves. Tagami has been very patient this week waiting for this.

They're lying in bed, with Saeki draped across his stomach and idly flipping through a book:

"I missed you, you know," he says quietly, turning the page.

"I did too," Tagami says as well, ever as quiet.

Saeki gives a small hum and rubs soothing circles into Tagami's arms. The morning has already started melting away into the afternoon and the smells of lunch seems to drift into their room, but no one moves from their spots still. Saeki leans in, really closely, looking at Tagami, and Tagami feels lost in the other boys eyes, feels his face start to flush a little.

Saeki presses a quick kiss against his mouth, murmuring a quiet " _i love you_ " against his lips, and Tagami finds himself smiling,  _just a little_ , thinking how good today is.

It might have taken a week, but at least they'll have their Sundays belong only to themselves. 

"I love you, too" he says back, and revels in the way saeki blushes at those simple four words.

It's nice.

 

Today is going to be a great day.


	5. shape of the shape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there wasn’t much left but it felt like him, wild and scared. it was too much to bear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tagami/saeki
> 
> portrait of fryderyk in shifting light

This love cant last.

Saeki looks at Tagami now and he's changed. Saeki isn't sure how hes changed but it's there, subtle but uncomfortable and just slightly off.

His touch feels cold and stagnant, more like a push than a pull. What used to be quiet grins slowly fade into taciturn snark. They live in a silence, a truce during the night, when they're drowning in the distance and the sheets and all they have is the feel of each others skin.

It doesn't feel like Tagami anymore.

Or maybe it doesn't feel like the old Tagami. Saeki has grown up with this boy, seen his dazed eyes and felt the air around his change and charge up with tension on his bad days. Back then, that lasted from days to weeks, and Saeki heard the exhaustion dripping from his voice and the backdrop of apologies behind his words as he swallowed down the pills and went to his appointments on the off days, and so of course he was forgiven.

But that is still not the right Tagami. Back then, that was a different Tagami.

This Tagami doesn't cling onto Saeki with a pout anymore and this Tagami doesn't hum vague melodies under his breath. This Tagami stops practicing the piano with Saeki in the quiet music rooms, stops saving tables in the library for them, stops coming over, stops touching, stops listening, stops going to club, stops meeting up, stops hanging out--

Stops existing.

This Tagami smiles at the new transfer student, face flushed, eyes alight. This Tagami hides in the corner of the library and goes to Hirahara's house and you can hear it from the streets when they shout and bicker but in the end its Tagami who's back alive, nursing the tiny gentle feeling of love.

Saeki shouldn't be jealous. He has the memory of Tagami grabbing his hand and whispering a sacred confession, has the evidence in the way his breath was visible in that cold winter morning. Saeki has this but its still Hirahara who has his toothy laughter and his red cheeks.

Maybe this was the only Tagami after all, because Tagami is like art. His figure frozen in the spotlight, the shadows panning across his joints shifting away like the dark side of the moon no matter how many times you move the light. There's always something about him that's hidden, that can't be exposed no matter how hard you try or how much you want to.

Light falls on half of his face and he looks familiar. The other side exists in secret. Saeki just tries to paint as much as he can, and fills in for what he doesn't know, brushstrokes coming down heavy, coloring the inside of the boy he loves.

 

Tagami, the model, positioned as he exists in this world: natural, fluid, free.

Saeki, the artist: trying, just trying to find that one good angle where all sides are lit up at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we tremble and i paint the trembling.


	6. please keep him safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All night I stretched my arms across  
> him, rivers of blood, the dark woods, singing  
> with all my skin and bone _Please keep him safe._  
>  _Let him lay his head on my chest and we will be_  
>  _like sailors, swimming in the sound of it, dashed_  
>  _to pieces._ Makes a cathedral, him pressing against  
> me, his lips at my neck, and yes, I do believe  
> his mouth is heaven, his kisses falling over me  
> like stars. — R.S.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tagahira - human soulmates au, unrequited love

there’s a quiet gasp between their lips, the soft sound offset by their actions. right now is rough, hands against each other, sliding under shirts. bodies against the hard wall, the cold floor, in the dark where no one can see.  _ hirahara,  _ he wants to call out, but his fingers are busy clawing into his back to say his name. his mouth feels too dry and he feels breathless, almost like he’s choking. there’s a tightness in his heart, beating so hard that the inside of his chest feels bruised, jumping like a skipped beat. tagami thinks,  _ but this is better _ and tries not to stare at his wrist, tries not to think about  _ his best friend and his soulmate _ while he’s like this, so open and giving little cries against his neck. his skin feels feverish and his stomach curls in a way he can’t describe in any other way besides  _ pleasant _ as the pace increases. 

_ really now,  _ some unconscious part of his brain chides,  _ you shouldn’t be getting so attached to someone who doesn’t own your name.  _ the conscious part of his brain, the debauched one with the sex hazed thoughts thinks,  _ please, please, please more _ . tagami leans into the hirahara’s neck, stays there so that his lips are just barely touching the skin and feels his pulse flutter from the carotid. 

when they’re both close he bites, leaving behind purple red bruises up and down the space between his shoulder.  he is not hirahara’s soulmate but at least now people will see who has tamed him, and hirahara may be able to heal but he will carry around his marks until they fade like warmth of his grip around his hips. it is not the same as the predestined name around his wrist. it will have to be enough.

tagami knows that this boy will never be his but that’s okay if he can just keep  _ this _ . it will stay there, preserved like a photo; something that only they will be able to remember, as if like a home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *2013 voice* surprise bitch ! bet you thought you'd seen the last of me

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: @cxrvidae


End file.
